Call of Destiny
by Analytical
Summary: Sometimes, you order pizza. Then your brother decides to pull a 'ironic' prank on you, so he tells the girl manning the phones that you've been "trying to get over a bad breakup, and could really use some sort of date-like function" and then BAM! You've been set up on a blind date with the girl. All hail Dirk/Jane! There are also (huge) hints of John/Dave.
1. Chapter 1

I have decided to share this little thing with you. Yay, Homestuck!Which I don't own, of course. It belongs to the wonderful Andrew Hussie.

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you're getting hungry.

"Did you order the pizzas yet Dave?" Your stomach growls, and you hope he didn't forget that he was supposed to call them and then feed you.

"Sure did little brother. Two larges with extra cheese and bacon, just the way we like it." It's hard to detect, but after years of practice, you can catch the smirk in his voice.

He's up to something.

"What did you do this time?" Knowing him, he pulled something his friend John would have done, like make the food extremely spicy, for the sake of irony.

"You've got a date with the girl who was on the phone. It's this Friday."

"Did you hear that? It's the sound of how undesirably humorous that isn't. It's a winding scream that pains everyone that has good taste. My ears, I swear, I will lose my hearing. What exactly did you pull Dave?" I need to find some way to get him out of my business.

"I told the girl that we're having a bit of a pizza party, because you've been having trouble getting over a girl that dumped you. Her friend overheard this, grabbed the phone, and helped me make a plan for your date, because apparently, 'Janey needs to get out there more, and is in desperate need of a man'."

"Dave, you need to practice those percieving reality of skills, because right now, you suck at it. I'm not getting over a girl that dumped me. The last person I dated was Jake, and I broke it off with him because he's bad at being a good boyfriend." He is so up in your business. All entangled and no way of getting up. Dave's probably going to marry your business, a beautiful wedding with an official looking priest named Charlie, because dang, Dave and the business sure are entrenched in this shit.

"I don't think she'll mind much. You didn't lie to her, it was me. If she blames you for it, then she doesn't deserve you anyways. I think you guys will hit it off."

You decide to deal with this on Friday and wait for the food to arrive. Your projects are calling.

"Her name is Jane by the way," your brother tells your receding form.

Your name is Jane Crocker, and your best friend just decided you're going on a date on Friday.

"Roxy, did you just set me up with that man's poor brother?" It being Monday, the lines are slow enough that you can ask her what she just did.

"Of course I did Janey." Roxy seems to think it's perfectly sensible to tell a man ordering pizza that someone would gladly date his heartbroken brother.

"And you did this because...?"

"Duh! Because we're BFFsies and I have to take care of you! You haven't been on a date in ages, and I know it'd be good for you to participate in one. Just looking out for you." It's hard to be mad at her when she acts so sweet. You aren't the only the person who's been suckered into this though.

"Does that boy even want a date?"

"Who cares? Based on what I heard Dave, Dirk Strider needs to move on. You can help him do that."

So that's his name.

The phone rings, and you pick it up, resolving to just go to the date and live with it, because Mr. Strider is probably very nice.

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you decided to go on your date with the girl your bother victimized.

Now you're standing at the door of her typical little picturesque suburban house, and you're knocking.

"Do come in Mr. Strider," she offers, "I'll be ready in a moment,"

And handing her the flower you bought her, because you're nothing if not classy.

"It's lovely," she comments, trimming the stem and sliding it behind her right ear, "Shall we go?" You offer your arm to her and she hesitantly grasps the crook of your elbow.

And you're taking her to the restaurant on the back of your bike.

"A motorcycle? I guess I trust you enough to ride it." she smirks and swings up behind you with a surprisingly practiced air. "My brother and I ride together a lot," she says in response to the look you give her.

And you're eating and joking and trying to make her smile, going off on your standard metaphorical tangents because you might as well enjoy yourself on this stupid forced date.

"Is your friend Roxy as wrapped up in your business as my bro is in mine? According to Dave, she forced you into this date, and I mean, I'm not getting over a girl who dumped me, Dave was just playing an extremely not hilarious joke on me that turned out even better than he expected."

"Good golly! Did he really?"

"Oh he really-ed. Completely really-ed. So really that I've been blinded by the absolute onslaught of really. I can't see anything in our apartment and I just stumble around, trying to not disturb the really because who knows what else it can do. I am fresh out of imaginary with which to fight the really. Utterly alone and defenseless against this mass of really surrounding me."

"I... I can't... breathe," she gasps out.

And she is laughing, she's giggling, and happy, and you're actually having a great time.

So maybe you're a little glad your bro pulled this, because now you're getting to know Jane and you'd like to keep her.

"Time to go home," you tell her as you pay for dinner.

"Would you like to do this again?" she asks hesitantly.

"I think I could live with being your friend." you shrug, "Or, you know keep dating or whatever you'd like to do. I'm pretty cool with whatever."

Not the best response you could have given her, but cool kids don't honestly tell girls they just met stuff like 'You're amazing, I love talking to you, seeing you smile- making you smile, I've never met anyone quite like you and I hope we can at least be friends, if not more.' Heck, cool kids should't even think that about girls that they just met. No one should.

"I'd like to see you again Mr. Strider, but only if you introduce me to Dave and you'll meet Roxy and my brother. I must be sure that your family is respectable and that mine approves of you." she says coyly, making it clear that she doesn't really care about either of their families.

"So an undecided relationship?" You would wink ironically at her if you weren't already ironically wearing your shades, "I could live with that too,"

She hastily scratches her phone number onto the receipt and you both stroll back to the motorcycle.

And now you're taking her home the long way, giving her the ride of a lifetime.

"This is the bees knees Mr. Strider!" Jane shrieks into the wind, the arms wrapped around your waist tightening.

"I know it is Crocker," you holler back.

And you're dropping her off at her house, and you walk her to the door.

"I'm glad Roxy and Dave are so entrenched in our business," she confides, "It was great meeting you."

And suddenly you're leaning down and kissing her on the cheek **because you can**. It's completely silly and cliche and everything you aren't to walk a girl up to her door and kiss her goodbye, which is exactly why you can do it and still be cool.

"I think you missed Mr. Strider," she teases, "Maybe you'll hit your mark next time Dirk."

Blushing furiously, but trying to hide it, Jane dashes into her house.

And you're riding home with an honest smile on your face, because you just met a very good friend. Rather uncoolly, you're excited for the next time you see her.

It isn't until the next morning that you realize the receipt with Jane's number was left on the table at the restaurant, and there wasn't going to be a next time.


	2. Chapter 2

Your name is Jane Crocker, and you just met a really great guy.

In all honesty, he's a little (a lot) on the strange side, and maybe he isn't the sweetest boy ever- a little bit crass, but he has a big heart, and makes you laugh, which you love. Sure the date you went on yesterday wasn't exactly the best you'd ever been on, and it certainly arose from bizarre circumstances, but who cares? The company you had last night was better than you had had in a very long time.

Quite frankly, Dirk Strider seems like a swell guy, and you can't wait to see him again. Not that you would go chasing after him, no self-respecting girl does that.

"Soooo?" Roxy asks as you sit down across from her at your usual table in your favorite cafe.

"Mr. Strider is a very nice boy." you tell her, and that's all she's getting, despite her pleas.

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you can't stop thinking about the girl you met three days ago. You can't call her because you lost her number. You can't show up at her house, because your bro lost the address- you tried visiting her neighborhood but all of the houses look the same. Those cookie cutter homes are just marched out. Some crazy witch making demented life size ginger bread cookies, causing good men and cool guys to lose their potential girlfriends. Smiling her trademark creepy smile and stamping shapes in the dough with her- Anyways, you don't have a chumhandle, you don't have an e-mail, not even a fax. She might as well have dropped off the face of the earth. (She's metaphorically falling and waiting for her prince to intervene and catch her in something plush and bulbous.)

Not that you could call her anyway. Cool kids don't go chasing desperately after girls. They just let things happen. GO with the flow. Get out of that flow, you lose some of your cool. You're chill, so you're going to stay in that frigid river.

Although caring about going with the flow and trying to keep your cool levels up isn't very ironic.

"Seriously little bro, just go get a pizza or something. You haven't lost that chick, she works at John's place." Dave just has to patronize you. You wonder why you spend so much time in this apartment, considering that you have your own. You should just leave right now, go somewhere where there isn't someone who want to make you squirm. Well there is no squirming from this end Dave, none at all. You may want see me wriggling around like a-

His solution is actually pretty sensible.

-newborn worm. Just flopping around like all good worms do. Squirming up a storm and-

This is stupid. You're going to go get some pizza.

But it totally isn't because you want to see Miss Crocker. You're just hungry.

Because the author is too lazy to write about you getting to the pizza place, you walk into John's Pies, which has a crappy name because the author can't name pizza places.

Your Bro's best friend is manning the counter in his own goofy way. Although his joint is mildly popular, the place is currently dead, giving John ample time to converse with you.

"Nice to see you Dirk!" John greets you excitedly, goober that he is.

"'Sup," you reply, considerably less excitedly.

"Nothing much going on right now, as you can see," He gestures around.

You nod to him, knowing that he'll usher the conversation on.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about the mysterious Mr. Strider my little sister went on a date with, would you?" John smirks at you.

"Depends on the name of your little sister." You remain col and collected, despite the fact that you're curiosity has been mildly piqued.

"Jane Crocker. Likes light blue and baking. She helps out with my pizza shop, generally manning the phone lines."

"That's my girl," you give a cheesy thumbs up to close the statement, making it utterly flawless.

"She gets off in five. Got any plans?"

"I do now."

The Grand Egderp nods his approval. "I'll give the speech on treating her right later. I sort of trust you Dirk, and I know that Dave and Bro will be checking you just as relentlessly as I will."

"Sort of? Goodness me man, I'm going to treat that gal the way any Strider worth his salt treats someone special. Like a human being that is also made of gold."

"You, my friend, have it bad. Can't complain though, you made a good choice." John remarks as you hand him money and he hands you a slice of pizza.

You don't bother to protest because that only makes it worse and munch on your pizza.

You're mildly surprised that your almost girlfriend is your brother's almost boyfriend's sister. Next you'll be finding out that she's Jake's cousin or some strange shit.

Your name is Jane Crocker, and you're extremely happy that this guy didn't forget about you. So happy that you didn't bother correcting John when he called him your boyfriend.

"...So you'll leave in five," he finishes.

"But I just got here!"

"And your date just showed up. C'mon Jane, you know I have this handled, and I want you to get your guy."

"I can't skip out on work for a guy!" Even if you kind if really want to do just that.

"I'm your boss, and right now I'm saying that you don't need to work here today. You know that you don't need the money- Crocker heiress remember. Don't be like me Janey. Don't screw it up."

John had always wanted you to be happy when it came to love, especially since all of his things came out terribly, on before John reciprocated, Vriska had almost single-handed lay made a huge mess of your brother's life, and currently, John was wrestling a massive amount of feelings for his best friend Dave. (And everyone but him knew that Dave reciprocated in his own special way.)

Roxy and Jake could take up the slack.

For John and also for Dirk, you smile and head out of the back, into the front, and sit next to your guy.

"I was beginning to think, Mr. Strider, that you had up and forgotten about me. I must say, I was completely gob smacked when my brother said you walked into to this fine establishment, asking for me." Might as well give your boy a bit of a hard time. You do like to tease all of your loved ones.

"Well, like the genius I am, I forgot the receipt with your number on it. Then Dave lost your address and I couldn't figure out which house was yours. after that, I was hungry and I remembered that you work here so, here we are." he rambles on in what you perceive to be a sheepish apology.

"That was a little silly of you." Understatement, it's downright laughable and a giggle escapes from you.

"Wasn't it though?" Dirk actually agrees with you.

When you grin at him, he has to take it further.

"It was all part of my master plan. I could make you miss me, but I wouldn't seem like a complete ass. No, this way, I'm a valiant hero, searching for my lost love, making sure I'll find the lost dame who stole my heart in the brief time we met. Going through several harrowing trials and traversing much of the globe, I finally meet her scuffed up and gorgeous, possibly sporting a lion skin or something and telling my beloved darling Jane that I've missed her all this time."

"So you do care!" you exclaim. It would be a lie if you said you didn't get butterflies.

He looks around hurriedly, then grabs you hand and pulls you out of the shop.

"Maybe a little," he concedes, when it is guaranteed that no one will hear him.

"Well, Mr. Strider, I am a master sleuth, so I might have tracked you down if you didn't show up soon." Who cares if you sound desperate? Dirk had, in his Strider way, given you what was basically a full-blown confession. Always restless, you start walking, aimed for nowhere in particular but knowing wherever you end up with Dirk, you'll have a great time.

"I'd be fine playing the nervous broad to your hard boiled detective, Miss Crocker." his facade has cracked enough to reveal a slight smile.

"I'll hold you to that," you promise.

You're both comfortably silent for a minute before he speaks again.

"Where to Miss Crocker?" He asks as you turn into the park, one of your favorite spots in this city.

You gasp dramatically, "You mean you don't already have a plan? How mollifying, did you plan on just running about the city with reckless abandon?"

He shrugs noncommittally, "I don't really what types of things you like, Miss Crocker, besides the color blue, baking, and a good mystery." You come to a bench and sit down, Dirk following suit.

"I guess I do like to run about the city, just being a little stupid, especially if it involves pranks. And movies, I like those, but not in theater- they're overpriced and not as comfortable as the couch at home." You rest your head on Dirk's shoulder, just to show him that he's not the only person who can be clichéd.

"Damn, I forgot my notepad. I would have taken notes. This is some good shit Miss Crocker." His arm snakes around you to match your previous m. ve, as if he can one-up you.

"Ever the forgetful one, aren't you Mr. Strider? I think you'll come up with so mething based on your limited knowledge of me. Light blue, seeing the city, pranks, movies, baking, and mysteries. You're a creative man."

"Speaking of mysteries I want to know why I've known your brother John my whole life and only just met you. I mean come on whatever powers that may be, you've made me miss out." He casually remarks into your hair as he leans into you.

"Oh yeah, Bro and Dave are your brothers right? And you're related to Rohxy, Rose, and Mom somehow. And I'm pretty sure you're that mysterious guy Jake used date."

"Jake is your freaking cousin isn't he?"

"Um, yeah." How did he...?

"You're my cousins' step-sister, my ex's cousin, and my brother's sort of boyfriend's little sis. And we're only meeting just now. Through ordering pizza. We have horrible luck."

"Blame the Crocker fortune. Dad started homeschooling us when we moved here after my third assassination attempt, and a lot of the time I was with the batterwitch herself, learning the ways of the heiress."

"Damn batterwitch. Stealing my darling Jane away from me." How is he so sweet and so ironic at the same time? It boggles the mind.

"Real mystery is why John and Dave aren't dating yet," you quip.

"Agreed. My bro is balls deep in unironic love for the Egderp." He pauses as though about to let loose in another ramble, but you speak before he has the chance.

"Likewise for John."

"So, Miss Crocker, how do feel about walking around the city and stopping wherever we want to?"

"I thought you'd never ask, Mr. Strider."

Of course you link elbows as you get up, and though you think about slapping on some mustaches to complete the look, you decide that fake facial hair can wait.

The city awaits.

Your name is Dirk Strider and she's so fucking sweet that you think your teeth are rotting. But damn is she worth the cavities.

Getting home and slumping comfortably in the couch (this time with Jane's number), you allow yourself to just think about your beloved Jane.

So yeah you'll run around the city with wild abandon, pulling parks and doing other stupid shit for semi-ironic purposes.

Semi-ironic. Because when it comes to this chick Jane, you can do ironic things for her, or do ironic things with her, but the sentiment behind it isn't ironic.

So walking into a shake shop and sharing a malt with her is as stupid and corny as it gets, and you know it's perfect. And if you happen to attach mustaches to a few statues, then what of it? Jane likes it, and even if you tried, you couldn't be the cold unfeeling robot everyone seems to think you are. She "sees through the act."

Who cares if she gets a glimpse of your practically nonexistent softness? She's "your girl".

You like using that phrase, even if it's possessive and kind of disregards a woman's personhood. Like all Striders, you're territorial.

Phrasing aside, Jane, who likes movies, light blue, sleuthing, baking, and pranks, is a girlfriend you're lucky to have.

Your phone beeps and you look down at the screen. Your darling damsel has texted you.

"I had a great time today Mr. Strider. Tell me when you feel like to do it again."

"Friday is our day now, my darling Jane, so I'll be on the pizza shop at four."

"Goodnight Mr. Strider."

"Goodnight Miss Crocker."

You have one week to plan. Which means it's going to be a carefully orchestrated masterpiece, fit for Miss Crocker.

You smile secretly. Though you won't be telling her anytime soon, and anyone's else ever, you know that with Jane, you've found an unironic and completely perfect home.


End file.
